I’m waging war

IMG-20170825-WA0010.jpgDaily I am in a fierce battle with myself. I have come to acknowledge that I am one of my own great enemies. The toughest discipline to achieve is discipline of self.
There is a part of me that will almost stop at nothing to get what I want and should have. I know when I put my mind (and heart into) something I (can) achieve excellent results. That part of me – which I will call the spirit or will- wants to wake up at 4am have prayer and quiet time, read, excercise and do body stretches, prepare and pack/take the day’s meals, tidy up and head out at twilight. Yes I like heading out before the sun comes out. Everything I know about waking up early and keeping time is positive. You avoid jam, and get time to read more and prepare for the day before everyone else comes in. With this your days run on hinges headed for success; you are in control even when things don’t go your way.
Then there is another part of me that has a mind of its own. The one that does not just snooze but switches off the alarm – even the ignoring the mind alarm – and hugs the covers tighter slipping into a sweet but deceptive slumber. Morning sleep is the sweetest sleep I have known especially when you are supposed to go somewhere.
This part of me – which sadly tends to be stronger than my will – deceptively says all will be well as time passes, deadlines draw closer, some even pass! Emails are not sent, appointments not made, business ideas remain just that, family & friends are not contacted, articles are not written, prayers not made … Laziness and procrastination are its strongest ropes. But after it come storms of regret with strong condemnation and all the you-should-have-now-see-what-you-have-missed!
In the past one year I have learnt not to beat myself up as I used to do. I would choke in a whirlwind of self-condemnation and plunge into a sea of defeat and sadness because I’d acted contrary to will. However I have to maintain a balance; being too easy on oneself can feed this detterent side.
My battle daily is about overcoming the self-destructive me. The one that trashes all progressive plans; the one that makes me fold my arms as opportunities pass, the one that makes me close my eyes and daydream about what I ought to do or ought to have instead of going out to work for it. That lazy flesh that does not want to pray or fast; does not want to fix a meal or eat.
Like someone was saying recently, we have to rely on discipline not motivation because it is not everyday that we are motivated to act.
The first powerful step in any battle is awareness. Knowing who my enemy is and where they are attacking from. Also, knowing that you are in a battle!
I have seen myself succeed and tasted the  joy that comes with it. I have also watched myself fail. I am tired of the latter. Failure nolonger will be a reward for my efforts.
I am waging war. I have to be who I was created to be. Pessimists, joykillers and all wetblankets stay out of my way. I know well that even I don’t know the full potential of what I am capable of. I have learnt to laugh at my setbacks and celebrate my joys along the way. If you judge me by my size, height, age, growing experience, complexion or gender …  that is actually okay. You are making part of my  story.
I will nurture the part of me that wants to be quick to listen to wise counsel and slow to speak. To seek seek to understand before making judgement. To be there for my friends and give encouragement, advice, support and share every moment.
“It is the ups and downs of life that prove we have lived.”
I’ll succeed in this battle; I’m winning this war!
The spirit is willing but the body is weak.

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